The Beautiful Survivor

Someone once made me a mixed CD. On this CD was John Mayer (I believe) and that’s how I become a little bit of a fan of his. Anyway, in one of his songs (again, I’m not positive it’s him!) and of course at the moment I can’t remember the name of the song, but I definately remember the line, “I won’t worry my life away.”

Well folks, I wish I could say the same thing. Just like with any illness (and believe me, PTSD and RTS aka Rape Trauma Syndrom) I have good days and I have bad days. Unfortunately, today was kind of a bad day. I was doing what countless people do around the world, and that’s look at pictures online (mainly facebook) of those from my past. I found one of the few “friends” who were in my circle of “friends” during high school. Not thinking, I looked through an album titled something along the lies of “The Old Days.” Having known this person through High School, I just thought I’d look to see if there were any pictures of me. I wasn’t really expectig to find any, and again, I was just doing it mindlessly and without a thought. Well, of course there’s a group photo with bastard in it. The ironic thing is that someone commented on it something along the lines of, “Look at (insert name here) and (bastard’s real name here)! They look so innocent but we know better!”

I really wish I could comment back something along the lines of, “You have no idea! He raped me!” but I won’t. I can’t! I told all of our “mutual friends” what happened. I believe in my heart that some of the females KNEW that I wasn’t lying, but were also unaware as I was at the time, that you can be raped by a friend. I mean, I know of at least two “mutual friends” during our high school years who (and I use this sentence lightly) lost their virginity to him. One of the girls even later confided in me that something she wasn’t comfortable talking about happened and that’s how she ended up losing her virginity to him, but would never elaborate. At least not to me.

I’m just a little worried about sleeping tonight. As the Bare Naked Ladies have said, “Who Needs Sleep?” Sadly, I know that feeling all too well! I have lit some of my favorite insence that really calms me and am listening to calming music and, obviously, blogging about it. I know that I am not alone not only being a survivor (I really hate using the term “victim”) of date rape but unfortunately also being one of his targets or whatever. He’s even been known to “date” or whatever he calls it, girls who are underage when he’s over the age of 18!!!! I don’t really know what these girls see in him. I don’t know why someone isn’t stepping in saying, “Uh, this is EXTREMELY illegal and not to mention wrong!” I have to try to remember that it’s out of my hands. I did what was right and I still am. I reported it. I talk about it. Sure, I don’t go around advertising it, but I’m doing what I can.

It’s past 11. It’s been over five years, and yet ity seems like it’s still happening sometimes. I was dumb enough to look through some old journal entries (actual written ones) and I found lot of stuff about him, my rapist. Let’s call him bastard (although I could think of much better things and courld also create a long list of names that better but that’s not the point). Anyway, I guess looking through all this old stuff really teriggered me. But I did that last night and afraid of the nightmares and stuff I smoked some pot. I slept fine. all day today was fine as well. Nothing happened until I finially laid down to sleep.  a minute or to later i get all these images flashing in my mind but it’s almsot as i f i can see them. i know they aren’t real but they feel so real.

I can remember alot now, but not everythihng. im thankful for that in a way. I mean, I think I’d go nuts if I remembered every second of it. I’m kind of glad that I can’t remember everything he did and said that night. Right now if I close my eyes, it’s like a 3d movie. pictures are jumping out at me. mostly just his face. smiling, laughing at me. “you know you liked it” over and over and over again. NO!!!!!!!! I DIDN’T LIKE IT!!!!!! I was saving myself for marriage and you kenw it! you knew it! and yet you felt that it was your “duty” or whatever to do all that to me?! Was I asking for it??? Was I?????? Did the words, please, scar me for life come out of my mouth!? NO! I don’t know how you did it, but you put me in a daze of sorts for about 3 months. There’s 3 months of my life I can’t really remembver. Because I was harvesting a secret. The doctors and therapists say that it’s probably better I can’t remember that time. Most likely just like a war vet, I jumped at every sound I didn’t recognize. The trauma, that’s right Bastard, you put me through trauma, although it only lasted one night, my mind and body kind of went through it for those three months. I bet it was alot like what Adam Sandler was like in the movie “Click” and when he was accidently fastforwarding through his life. I dunno if anyone gets that reference, but that’s not importnat.

FOR THREE MONTHS OF WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE HAPPIEST TIME OF MY LIFE I HAVE NO MEMORIES!!!!!!!!

I don’t remember my graduation party or anyone else’s. I don’t know where I was working or if I even was.

I close my eyes and all i see is you with that f’in grin on your face. you even had the nerve to ask me if i would give you road head. you almost looked hurt or something and not to mention suprised that i said no. WTF?! did you really think i was going to!? when you asked me that all i was thinking of was that i don’t know where i am, i don’t know how to get home, and i am stu k in a two car door with you for however long it’ll take to get me home “safe”

don’t you find it ironic that my mother, the woman who gave birth to me, god bless hoer soul, and you had a conversation before i came outside. i overheard her through my open window bastard. I know what she said. Oddly enough, to my knowledge, you were only guy my mom ever said it to. She told you not to hurt me. She told you that she’d pull a laurana bobbit on you (and she made sure you knew who that was) if you were to hurt me in anyway possible. She said that she was dead serious and made you promise that you’d bring me home in one peice. She told you that even though I wanted to take two cars, she’d feel better if you drove because you’ve been driving longer than me. I wish to god she had gone through with it when I told her. When I told her that her middle child, her youngest daughter, her PLANNED CHILD, who has spent months in the hospital (and no you little turd, not the mental/psyc. hospital/ward) and missed out on alot of things because of her illness, that her happy go lucky up beat daughter had not only been raped, but raped by someone they all knew, you know how much that killed her?????? You are one lucky bastard that she didn’t come after you. But telling her wasn’t half as bad as telling my closest friend who I consider family. When I told him, the one that I knew I could always count on, he died a little. I don’t really know what happened there. He swore up and down to me that he’d take care of it. Not really sure what happened there.

When you were acting like it was going to be a whole big seduction type deal. Maybe you figured I was asking for, but you were going to be “nice enough” to first use your fingers. I don’t know how many you used, but I do remember screaming out in pain. you told me to just relax and i told you to stop. little did I know that you would stop…….using your fingers. I don’t really remember the rest. How many years had you been waiting? We’d known each other for 3 years. Was that long enough for you? Because it wasn’t for me. It’s been over 5 years and I can only hope that you are are in as much as I am. that you hardly sleep at night. that by now, you’ve lost all your friends. I did. All of OUR friends with the exception of one, possibly two, they believed you. What did you tell them? That you had found Jesus now and were on the straight and narrow?! You’re “saved” now? is that it?

I close my eyes and I dream that I am something else. Something beautiful that can fly. Fly away from where it all happened. Fly away from the nightmares and flashbacks. Just……..fly…….and be free, like I used to be.

I was raped by someone I knew. I was date raped years ago. I tried to press charges, but the case was dropped due to lack of evidence. I then filed for a Protection From Abuse (PFA) against him. In case you don’t know, a PFA is a kind of restraining order, except its for when some act of violence of some kind occurred. Or at least that’s what it seems like. I had to go to trial. No jury. THe judge was brand new. He had been sworn in and became a judge that same day. You’d think since this was the case, he would grant the PFA permanatly. But he didn’t. Why? Because My rapist got someone to lie on the stand saying that he was with her the second time he tried to attack me. Trust me, she wasn’t. Judge bought it though. I was devestated.

Since then I have changed my appearance as best as possible. Different hair, glasses (although I really do need those) different make up, different kinds of clothes, the best I could do without going under a knife.

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Rape Trauma Syndrom byt a counselor at the college I was attending. Others have since confirmed the diasnosis.

I have trouble sleeping. I’ve had this problem since I was a child. It progressed as I got older, especially after the rape. The nightmares don’t help at all. No matter what time it is when I wake up from a nightmare, I try my hardest to stay awake because I’m afraid of the nightmare continuing if I fall asleep again, which has happened many times. Sometimes I’m even afraid to go to sleep because maybe a saw a car like his or a movie or tv show with a character that looked like him. I’ve even been triggered because a voice sounded just like his. The nightmares and flashbacks have given me major anxiety. Sometimes its to the point of paranoia. I’m afraid he’s going to come back after me and kill me or something. Maybe worse, do it all over again. I was a virgin and 18 that aweful night. I was planning on waiting for my future husband. He knew that as he was a close friend of mine.

My mother knows every little detail of what happened as when I had the trial for the PFA, she drove me. I didn’t want her in the court room because she is a pretty emotional person and she is my mother after all. I didn’t want to hurt her. After she learned the facts, she said that I had lead him on and it was my fault. Despite the fact that professionals (psychiatrists and psychologests alike) told her that even if I had said to him that I wanted to have sex (which I didn’t) and then at the last minute changed my mind (again, this didn’t happen, it’s just an example) and said I didn’t want to have sex, he didn’t have the right to have rape me. It would’ve happened no matter I had said or done that night. If it didn’t happen that night, he would’ve either done it to someone else, or done it to me at a different time. I actually told my mom through an email. I just couldn’t bear to see her face if I told her face to face. I don’t know who she has told, with the exception of my older sister. I’m guessing that my father knows. My younger brother, I have no idea. Anyway, My mother, some medical professionals, and my ex husband, are the only ones who know each and every detail of what happened besides myself, the police, and J (that’s what we’ll call my rapist) himself. It’s not that I’m ashamed, it’s more or less that if I talk about it, I spiral down. It’s just too hard to talk about.

The thing is, J and I were in the same “circle” of friends in high school. We were a pretty close knit group. There were maybe 10 of us in this group. When I told the other people, they didn’t believe me. Consecuienty, I dropped them as friends because of this. This caused me to loose pretty much all my friends in the area. I didn’t have many to begin with. Over the years, I’ve heard from a few of these people. Each time one of them has reached out to me or requested me on facebook or myspace, my repsonse is usually along the lines, “why now?” or “Do you still believe I lied that J raped me?” and when I ask the latter question, it’s still a no. They don’t seem to understand that I can’t be friends with someone who doesn’t believe me. It wouldn’t be much of a relationship I’m sure as they’d probably be questioning everything I told them and I’d always be wondering if they’d be going back and telling J things about me.

In this blog, I will mostly write about the struggles I have faced or am currently facing with the after math of the rape. Every now and then I may throw in some other things like family issues or something.